


Gamzee and Karkat Go Out for Lunch

by fatallywhimsical



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Huge Dorks, Humanstuck, Other, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 00:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatallywhimsical/pseuds/fatallywhimsical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee and Karkat are not dating in this fic but they are best bros forever.</p><p>Zee tries something different in which he attempts to write a humorous short story instead of gay porn. It’s still pretty gay, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gamzee and Karkat Go Out for Lunch

Karkat watched his best friend from across the table. They were sitting in a booth at their local Applebee’s. They rarely went out to eat, and neither of them really liked the place, but Karkat had a coupon that was about to expire and he would be damned if he was about to let that happen. As he watched Gamzee, he remembered why they never went out for food, aside from the fact that they never had any money.

Gamzee had had a particularly difficult time deciding what to eat. Decision-making was not usually his forte, but it also didn’t help that his palate was brilliantly unrefined. He had also been unable to decide what to drink, but had eventually settled on Mountain Dew since there was no Faygo to be had (Karkat was having iced tea, because he was a fucking  _adult_ ). Irritated and hungry, Karkat had finally said, “Goddammit, just order a fucking hamburger!” Gamzee trusted Karkat’s judgment so he had done just that, but now he sat there disassembling the burger piece by piece. Karkat looked down at his already half-eaten order of ribs and sighed. Gamzee was so used to eating junk all the time that he apparently did not know what to do when faced with real food.

Karkat picked up another rib and continued eating, barbecue sauce smearing all over his fingers and a good portion of his face. Gamzee had ordered his burger plain and dry, but that hadn’t stopped them from putting lettuce, tomato, bacon, and cheese on it. He was pretty sure he’d ordered a hamburger but this was definitely a cheeseburger. The cheese was already partially melted onto the meat so separating the two had taken a while, but now he had everything where he wanted it on his plate and was trying to decide what to eat first. Karkat was genuinely surprised that Gamzee did not simply cram the burger in its original form into his mouth like he did with most food, but Gamzee had given him some long, nonsensical rambling about how all those different things didn’t belong together in one food and it was “just motherfuckin’ unnatural and shit,” or something like that, and Karkat had regretted even suggesting that Gamzee order a burger in the first place.

Gamzee decided he would eat the bacon first, and then the cheese. He ignored the lettuce and tomato because it did not appeal to him in the slightest. He then picked up the patty with his hands and began eating it like one might eat a hamburger, which it was technically, just naked and bun-less. Karkat watched, slightly embarrassed to be seen in public with this idiot that he called his best friend, but also somewhat amused. He loved Gamzee in a way that was difficult to explain and few would understand even if he tried. Therefore, he usually found Gamzee’s odd behavior rather endearing, if somewhat exasperating at times.

Karkat had finished his ribs and had managed to clean most of the sauce from his face, although he didn’t see how the shitty little moist towelette he’d been given was supposed to be helpful. He picked at his french fries while Gamzee moved on to gnaw on the bun from his dismembered hamburger. He finished it rather quickly and began munching his fries when their waitress popped up out of nowhere.

“Can I get you some more tea, hon’? How about some more Mountain Dew?” She offered sweetly. Her named tag said Tammi, with a little heart dotting the  _I._

“Yeah, thanks,” Karkat said. “Also, we’re ready for the check,” he added before cramming a fistful of fries in his mouth.

“Alright, and is this together or separate?” Tammi asked.

Karkat stopped mid-chew, his eyes going wide as he suddenly remembered the real reason he didn’t often go out to eat with Gamzee.  _SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT,_ he thought, but he was helpless to say anything with his mouthful of fry.

Before Karkat even had a chance to swallow, Gamzee jumped in. “Oh, we’ve been together for  _years!_ ” he grinned, giving an effeminate flip of his wrist.

Tammi’s obnoxiously wide smile faded as she looked at the two of them, her eyes darting from one to the other. They must have looked like quite a pair—Karkat’s face was now bright red, trying desperately not to choke on his food, and then there was Gamzee, with his clown paint and suggestive grin. Even under the face paint he had quite an expressive face, and he now waggled his eyebrows at Tammi, ensuring that she was as uncomfortable as possible.

“A-alright then, I’ll be right back,” Tammi stammered, darting away.

Karkat finally managed to swallow his food and yelled (as quietly as possible; they were in a restaurant, after all), “Jesus rollerblading  _CHRIST!_ Gamzee, you  _asshole!_ You do this every time! Every fucking time we go somewhere!  _Goddamn fucking shitfuck!_ ” Karkat trailed off, muttering incoherently under his breath, his bright red face buried in his hands.

Gamzee just laughed obnoxiously, that stupidly endearing laugh that Karkat was secretly fond of hearing. He had a hard time being mad at Gamzee, and Gamzee knew this. His favorite thing was screwing with Karkat, especially in a public place where Karkat would suffer embarrassment on top of annoyance. It was probably a mean thing to do, but he meant no harm, and Karkat was just so cute when he got like that—even his ears turned a delightful shade of scarlet.

When Gamzee was able to stop laughing, he reached across the table to pull Karkat’s hands away from his face. “Hey now, best friend, don’t get mean. You know I’m just fuckin’ with you,” he grinned.

“Augh, it’s just- every fucking time… Jesus fuck, Gamzee, why?!”

Gamzee laughed again, “I can’t help it, bro. You’re just so motherfuckin’ cute when you get all embarrassed and shit. And besides, what’s so bad about people thinkin’ you’re with me?” He attempted to leer seductively, but the effect was a little more creepy than anything.

“Gamzee… Ugh, I don’t know.  I guess I just like to think that if I actually did go on a date with a guy, he wouldn’t be some scrawny-ass doucheclown that doesn’t know how to brush his fucking hair,” Karkat said, now returning Gamzee’s smile.

Gamzee grinned a little wider and replied, “Fair ‘nough.”

At this point, Tammi returned with the check to find Gamzee and Karkat smiling dopily at each other, with Gamzee leaned across the table still gripping Karkat’s hands. She cleared her throat awkwardly.

“Um, here you go! You two have a, uh, great night! And thanks for choosing Applebee’s!” She dropped the check on the table and hurried off.

“Hey, what about our drinks?!” Karkat called after her, but it was no good. He yanked his hands out of Gamzee’s and made to get out his wallet. He was ready to get the fuck out of there anyway. 


End file.
